Saturday morning thoughts (and fears)

I feel like making a list. I love lists; they make me feel organized and together. Here are my thoughts and fears on this beautiful fall morning:

• I'm actually feeling a bit better after being sick for 3 days 
• I'm getting all my "infertility blood work"  done again (for free!)  at work next week.  I'm scared my FSH will be higher than it was last year 
• I'm worried that I won't have a donor in time for either November or December and we can't afford any IUI's at the hospital right now
• I'm very happy for C- he got a new job! I think he will be much happier 
• Lately I've been thinking that I don't want to be a foster parent (and I feel very guilty about it).  If we can't conceive, I really want to adopt and I'm going to look more into this
• I want to put all of the "baby stuff" away. It's getting hard looking at it all. Tomcat might get mad at me though, since he loves to take naps in the crib
• I have a lot to do and no energy to do it- cleaning the house, grocery store, pet store, cleaning the yard... 
• I so want to go to the Farm Sanctuary's Celebration for the Turkeys, but it's $50 a person this year.  We'll have to see...

Well, this list looks more depressing than I thought it would! Sorry about that... I hope everyone has a good weekend! 

No more guilt?

 Before I get back to 30 days, I just want to thank everyone for their positive comments.  I am not feeling so guilty anymore.  I realized that maybe this happened for a reason to show me that I don't want a child that age and truly want a baby.  When we talk to the resource coordinator, we are going to tell her this.  It may take longer to get a placement, but we feel this is the right decision.   We're also not ruling out another IUI in the future.  C thinks I need to get "healthier" physically and mentally before we do that again and I agree, or maybe we can actually find a willing donor. Any takers out there? Anyway, that's the update on the baby front...

I've realized I've missed quite a few posts for my 30 days project.  Day 10 is a photo of you taken over 10 years ago.  I don't have anything that old on my computer so I'm skipping this one.  Day 11 is a photo of you recently.  I hate getting my picture taken, but I guess I'll share this one because it's so rare that a photo is taken of me and our crazy dog Lucy.

She looks pretty scared, probably because I was trying to get her to look at the computer. 

I am officially a horrible person

We finally had our first placement last night.  He was an almost 2 year old boy.  It was a horrible experience for everyone, especially me.  Neither C or I got any sleep last night.  I was up crying because I just couldn't handle it and I feel so bad about the whole thing.  I didn't feel very "motherly" with him, which completely scared me.  Maybe I wouldn't make a good mother.  I'm dealing with all kinds of emotions right now.  I do know that I don't want a placement with a child that age. I definitely want a baby.  I can handle babies.  I had to call the social worker and tell her I didn't think we could keep him. I've never felt so much guilt and like a total failure.  Hopefully I will make sense of all this at some point.  That's all I can say for now...

The Call

We finally got "the call" on Wednesday.  It had me in such a panic that I had to medicate myself to calm down.   Everyone was right- the minute you stop thinking about it and even (in our case) giving up on it is when it happens and it totally catches you off guard.  We ended up not getting him that night, but went to meet him on Saturday.  T (we'll call him this since I can't share his name) is almost 2 years old, has a ridiculous amount of energy and is the cutest little boy I've ever seen. I wish I could post a picture of him.  C and I took him on a "date" to the park.  I chased and played with him all over the park.  I've never felt so old and out of shape! I might not need my gym membership with him around! For all he has been through, which I also cannot share, he seems pretty well adjusted. He is a typical little boy.  He was slowly getting attached to me and wouldn't go to C so much, but the foster mom he is with now said he is like that with her husband too.  On Sunday I went over to see him again, this time by myself.  He definitely remembered me.  We played trains and I watched him act like a lunatic running around. It was fun.  C and I decided that we definitely want him to come stay with us.  I'm scared out of my mind and hope we survive! Oddly enough, I'd be less scared of a newborn baby.  It seems though like with everything else having to do with this whole process we have to wait. I've left several messages with his social worker and the coordinator, but haven't heard back yet.  His foster mom he is with now called me today and basically said the same thing to me. She's been calling and leaving messages and hasn't heard from anyone either.  This is all just driving me crazy! So, like usual, we are sitting here waiting.  Waiting sucks...

Sadness

Sad... It's the only word I can think of to describe how I'm feeling at the moment. It feels like we're never going to get "the call". I know I need to be patient and it will happen at the right time, but it isn't easy. Lately I've been having that yearning for having my own baby. It overwhelms me at times. I sit in the "baby room" and it all seems to mock me. The crib all made up, the clothes and all the things a baby needs just sitting there not being used. It seems like it would be so much easier, instead of all the waiting, rules, etc. that comes with fostering and adopting. We started our adoption classes last week, which seems a little strange seeing that we aren't even foster parents yet. I just want to be a mom and have a baby that is all mine-is that so wrong? This has been such an emotional roller coaster already that I just hope I have the strength to get through it when we actually have a child. Some days I'm not so sure I will.

After the visit

Yesterday, the licensure came for our "home visit". It was the complete opposite of what I thought it would be. Let me tell you, I cleaned like I have never cleaned before for this visit! She was here for about 2 hours and only took 10 minutes tops actually doing the walk through of the house. When she first got here, she wanted all of us to sit at the kitchen table and talk. Lucy of course was barking and trying to jump and I don't think she was an animal person. Tomcat decided he needed to keep jumping on the kitchen counter or the table we were sitting at too. She probably thought we were a crazy zoo- which we are. Anyhow, she asked us a lot of questions about how we met and how long we'd been together, but then she wanted to know about our families and how and where we grew up. She was writing everything down as we talked. It was a bit unnerving. She asked C about his transitioning and didn't seem taken aback or offended by it at all. Living in Vermont has it's perks. All in all, I think it went pretty good and she was pretty nice too.

The next step is her calling our doctors/therapists, I guess to make sure we are not certifiable. After that she has to write up a report and will send our license in the mail. It will be good for 3 years and only 1 child. So, soon we will be licensed and I still have a very clean house!

I'm freaking out

fMay 19th... They called and set up a date for our home visit. She said it would take a couple of hours. I guess I'll be cleaning like a mad woman until then! That is all...

The waiting game

If you know me at all, you know just how impatient I am. (go ahead and laugh, I'll wait..) Okay, so I basically have no patience when it comes to something I want, which is why this situation is slowly driving me crazy. We only have one more teleconference class left, the baby room is pretty much done , and we have bought and/or received all those little things we need. Now, we just need one crucial thing: a baby. Every time my phone rings, my heart stops because I am both equally excited and terrified about getting a baby. So, we must play the waiting game. In the meantime, here are my big furry babies making themselves at home on the changing table:

It's getting there...

The "baby room" is slowly, but surely coming along...







We finished our classroom classes yesterday, and have started the teleconference classes as well. The home visit should be soon, but we could get called at any point now, before even having the home visit. Scary and exciting at the same time!

Change of plans

I may have to change the name of this blog a little. After many discussions, C and I have decided to stop tying to get pregnant. I haven't let it go completely, but it is definitely on the back burner for right now for many reasons. I have always wanted to adopt, but the amount of money you need is ridiculous. For a private adoption, you're looking at over fifty grand, and even in some small agencies here in Vermont, the minimum would be around twelve grand. Who can afford this? It makes me sick. Anyway, this led me to look further into fostering/adopting through the state. I was under the impression that we would have to foster older kids or teens and C and I agree that this is definitely not what we want. Call me selfish, but I want a baby dammit! Plus, most of these school age kids obviously have a lot of problems that I'm not sure we're ready to deal with. I was pleasantly surprised when I spoke to the director of the program that wanting a child maybe 2 or under is just fine. She knows our intent is to adopt, but we are going to be "emergency foster parents" as well. I'm amazed the amount of money you get and they pay for health insurance and daycare. Of course I have fears about fostering and adopting too. I'm worried I won't bond with a child that is not biologically mine, but at the same time I'm also worried that I'll get too attached to a baby that we can't adopt and have to give back. I'm always so black or white.

We started the classes that we are required to take. There are 6 classes that are once a week for 3 hours. I've enjoyed the 2 classes we've gone to already. It's like taking a child development class for free. I think the next step is a home visit. We need to get the baby room set up for that as soon as possible. My biggest challenge is trying to find a daycare. It's hard enough to find one, much less find one that will hold a place for you and this child that you don't have yet, so this is my mission now. I wish we could afford for me to stay home or work from home maybe. This is a statement I thought I'd never say, but it's true. I would love to be a stay at home mom. So, this is the next step in our crazy journey to become parents. I will keep everybody informed of what's going on. Wish us luck!