Please excuse me while I whine for a moment

So, I'm finally feeling better after having the plague for a week and a half. Yet, I have this intense feeling of sadness.  I'm in the middle of my 2 week wait and I think I'm feeling a little PMS.  I've been pretty neutral about IUI#3 up until this point, but now, really feel like it didn't work.  I don't know why I feel this way, but I do.  Maybe it's my body preparing me for the disappointment? I'm not sure. I don't have the motivation to do anything Christmasy or put up our tree.  We aren't buying presents for each other this year, because we're saving for any future IUI's or the possible IVF's.  I just feel SAD.  It would be the greatest Christmas gift ever if it worked, but it will also be a bad one if it didn't. I wish I didn't feel like this. Maybe I've been in the house too long and away from civilization? I really hope so...

Almost time!

I'm getting excited about IUI #3! It will most likely happen next week some time.  I've been taking the Femara for 2 days now and I'm not sure if I'm having side effects or not.  I feel nauseous and very tired, which are some of the side effects, but who knows if that's why. As long as it doesn't make me feel like I need to be in a padded room like Clomid did, I'm fine! I realized that we'll find out if it took right before Christmas.  I'm hoping I'll have a Christmas miracle, because it will be difficult to get through the holidays if I don't. But, I need to think positive, so I won't dwell on that.  I'll keep you posted! :)

*Not* trying not to get my hopes up

IUI #3 should be happening in a couple of weeks.  Everything feels very different this time. I don't feel as stressed or worried.  We are using a different donor and instead of taking Clomid, I'll be taking Femara, which has less side effects I'm told.  Everyone keeps telling me not to get my hopes up, but really that is impossible.  There is no way I can't get my hopes up.  If it doesn't work this time, I will be upset and I will cry.  These things are inevitable.  I think I stress myself out way more trying to stay "neutral".  So, I am done with staying "neutral" and am so excited for this IUI! I feel positive about it.  I also know that if it doesn't work, we can try again.  Cycle Day 1 should be around Thanksgiving.  Third times the charm right?

(via Google images)

By the way, I'm getting married Wednesday...

So, the time's coming for us to start TTC again.   I got my new blood work done Friday, so hopefully the results won't be too much worse than they were last year.  The bad news is I don't think they have the same donor we used last year, so we'll have to pick another one. I'm getting excited though!

Oh yeah, C and I are getting married Wednesday night. Yes, I did just type that, and no I'm not kidding. We got our license last week and found a Justice of the Peace to do it.  We're not having a ceremony or anything.  If we were at home with our families we probably would, but really, I've never been a white dress/bridesmaids/flowers kind of girl anyway. The JOP is coming to our house for a short and sweet "ceremony".  I'm sure it will happen amongst Lucy barking, and the cats crying for their food, so it won't be too boring. We're actually thinking of getting matching tattoos to honor the occasion.  We can't do anything "normal" after all.   After 10 years, it's about time we got married, right? :)

Good Stuff

It seems like all I do is whine and complain here, so I thought I'd let you in on some more positive news.

* C's insurance covers unlimited artificial inseminations and 2 IVF's. I'm not sure if they cover the whole IUI or just the actual insemination, but either way, that's fantastic! Now, I just need to get on it. Which brings me to...

* C and I got our marriage license today! I know for some of you this may be coming out of nowhere, but really, after 10 years should you be that surprised? We just need to find a Justice of the Peace and set up the day! (Hopefully within the next couple of weeks)

* I have a new layout for my blog if you haven't noticed. I also have a grab button which I've always wanted! It was designed by Casey at hotbliggityblog.com .  I love it!

* C's step-dad is doing much better and is out of ICU. He still has a way to go, but he's much much better than he was.

I'll be sure to let everyone know when our "wedding day" is! :)

No more guilt?

 Before I get back to 30 days, I just want to thank everyone for their positive comments.  I am not feeling so guilty anymore.  I realized that maybe this happened for a reason to show me that I don't want a child that age and truly want a baby.  When we talk to the resource coordinator, we are going to tell her this.  It may take longer to get a placement, but we feel this is the right decision.   We're also not ruling out another IUI in the future.  C thinks I need to get "healthier" physically and mentally before we do that again and I agree, or maybe we can actually find a willing donor. Any takers out there? Anyway, that's the update on the baby front...

I've realized I've missed quite a few posts for my 30 days project.  Day 10 is a photo of you taken over 10 years ago.  I don't have anything that old on my computer so I'm skipping this one.  Day 11 is a photo of you recently.  I hate getting my picture taken, but I guess I'll share this one because it's so rare that a photo is taken of me and our crazy dog Lucy.

She looks pretty scared, probably because I was trying to get her to look at the computer. 

Fail #2

I really got my hopes up this time. My period is never late. So, when I didn't start when I should have I got a little excited. Three days after I was supposed to start I called my nurse and she scheduled a blood test for me this past Thursday. I think everyone was convinced that I was really pregnant. (including me) I was even nauseous every morning last week! When I got the phone call Friday morning from the lab and the woman told me it was negative it was like I got punched in the gut. It was a horrible feeling and I couldn't stop crying. I never wished so much to have at least a little privacy at work. I was a complete mess and could barely talk when I called C and then my Mom. I left work early and hope I don't get in too much trouble, but I had to get out of there.

So, here I am 5 days late and no signs that I'm going to start. It makes no sense at all. The woman at the lab said that if I still haven't started by Monday to call my doctors and they might have to induce my period. I have no idea how they do that though. I'm still very sad, but now I'm a little angry. I'm not sure what or who I'm angry at, but I am determined to get pregnant and have a baby! Maybe third time is the charm? I guess I have to wait and start my period first...

FAIL

I've never been more disappointed to get my period than I was a couple of days ago. So, attempt #1 is a no-go. Now, that I've had some time to process it, I can talk about it. I didn't really expect to react the way I have. I thought that maybe I'd be angry or frustrated, but what I truly feel is just sadness. It feels as if I've lost something I never had which makes me sound completely crazy. I cried a little and thought a lot, and I don't know how many times I can actually go through this loss. I have never felt anything like it.

On a happier note, we are going to try again in January and with the help of drugs, so that will up our chances. It would be a good start to the new year!

I really did it

I think it hit me all of a sudden the other night. I had my first insemination on Tuesday. I was so nervous the day before, I was on the verge of panic attacks all day! The insemination itself was pretty anti-climactic, although for some reason the nurse couldn't find my uterus for some reason and had to try a couple of times before having to get a doctor to do it. It's a little awkward meeting someone and shaking their hand while you're in stirrups waiting for sperm to be injected in you. He was very nice and "found" my uterus. It wasn't painful at all, like I thought it might be. The nurse said that the motility was at 78.5%, which is high for frozen sperm and it had 28.5 million swimmers. She said that was good numbers as well. I knew picking a 19 year old was a good idea!

Now, we wait. I'm trying not to get my hopes up while still trying to be positive, which is extremely difficult. I should know in a couple of weeks if it worked. Odds are that it doesn't work the first time, but I'm trying to stay positive about it. I'm also worried about not being able to try again next month because of not having the money to do it. How can I get $500 in 4 weeks? I guess we'll deal with that if the time comes. For now, I'm just trying to remain calm and upbeat, two traits that are pretty foreign to me, and go with the flow so to speak. I've been talking to the swimmers in hopes of directing them the right way and encouraging them, but I'm not sure it's working. I'll be sure to let everyone know if one of them made it...

So many appointments...

Who knew how complicated it would be to get my hands on some sperm and try and get pregnant! Well, I certainly didn't... We had our first appointment with the Doc this week and she seems very nice and I got a good vibe from her so that's good. She seemed more excited than we were actually. I am amazed at all the tests, etc, that I have to do before we even start the insemination process! The good news is that I am not going to take the Clomid at first because I may not need it and I certainly don't want twins or triplets- that's too scary to even think about. What shocked me is that with each insemination, there is only a 12% chance of getting pregnant. Doesn't that seem low?? The Doc said that on average it takes 4-6 inseminations to work. Let's just keep our fingers crossed that it doesn't take that long- each time it's $200.

Our next stop in this process was a psychologist. We saw her this week also. Both C and I were not impressed with her at all. She was getting very personal-more than I thought she would- and seemed a little judgemental. Apparently we "passed" her test though.

Next up is the geneticist in a couple of weeks and more blood work to see how much estrogen I'm producing- fun! I must admit though, it is now feeling real and I'm getting a little excited.

On a different note- what should I use as my URL for this blog? Any suggestions?