Thursday, September 16, 2010

I am officially a horrible person

We finally had our first placement last night.  He was an almost 2 year old boy.  It was a horrible experience for everyone, especially me.  Neither C or I got any sleep last night.  I was up crying because I just couldn't handle it and I feel so bad about the whole thing.  I didn't feel very "motherly" with him, which completely scared me.  Maybe I wouldn't make a good mother.  I'm dealing with all kinds of emotions right now.  I do know that I don't want a placement with a child that age. I definitely want a baby.  I can handle babies.  I had to call the social worker and tell her I didn't think we could keep him. I've never felt so much guilt and like a total failure.  Hopefully I will make sense of all this at some point.  That's all I can say for now...

4 comments:

Kylee said...

Michelle you are most definitely NOT a horrible person. If it wasn't the right situation, it wasn't the right situation. You will be a fine mother but it's going to be overwhelming and scary no matter what age you get. You will know when it's right. I believe in you and C... and I know a lot of other people do too!!!

Kelly said...

You are not a horrible person. If you felt an instant bond with every foster child, you would have your heart torn apart. I have spent quite a few nights crying because all I wanted to do was go to sleep and Violet couldn't be consoled. It happens to ALL parents.

CrunchyVTMommy said...

Id say you are the exact opposite. Youre pretty damn amazing. Huge hug

Foster Parent said...

You are amazing!! Amazing because you had the nerve to even make the call and decide it wasn't a good placement for you or the child. Amazing to take on this journey of caring for a hurt child...and amazing to still pursue it after heartaches. Glad to have found your blog :) - Foster Mom