Tuesday, December 8, 2009


I've never been more disappointed to get my period than I was a couple of days ago. So, attempt #1 is a no-go. Now, that I've had some time to process it, I can talk about it. I didn't really expect to react the way I have. I thought that maybe I'd be angry or frustrated, but what I truly feel is just sadness. It feels as if I've lost something I never had which makes me sound completely crazy. I cried a little and thought a lot, and I don't know how many times I can actually go through this loss. I have never felt anything like it.

On a happier note, we are going to try again in January and with the help of drugs, so that will up our chances. It would be a good start to the new year!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

I really did it

I think it hit me all of a sudden the other night. I had my first insemination on Tuesday. I was so nervous the day before, I was on the verge of panic attacks all day! The insemination itself was pretty anti-climactic, although for some reason the nurse couldn't find my uterus for some reason and had to try a couple of times before having to get a doctor to do it. It's a little awkward meeting someone and shaking their hand while you're in stirrups waiting for sperm to be injected in you. He was very nice and "found" my uterus. It wasn't painful at all, like I thought it might be. The nurse said that the motility was at 78.5%, which is high for frozen sperm and it had 28.5 million swimmers. She said that was good numbers as well. I knew picking a 19 year old was a good idea!

Now, we wait. I'm trying not to get my hopes up while still trying to be positive, which is extremely difficult. I should know in a couple of weeks if it worked. Odds are that it doesn't work the first time, but I'm trying to stay positive about it. I'm also worried about not being able to try again next month because of not having the money to do it. How can I get $500 in 4 weeks? I guess we'll deal with that if the time comes. For now, I'm just trying to remain calm and upbeat, two traits that are pretty foreign to me, and go with the flow so to speak. I've been talking to the swimmers in hopes of directing them the right way and encouraging them, but I'm not sure it's working. I'll be sure to let everyone know if one of them made it...

Sunday, November 22, 2009


I'm not known for my patience. I'm supposed to be ovulating between this past Friday and Thanksgiving, so everyday when I get up I have to test to see if I am. Trying to pee correctly on a little stick for exactly 5 seconds before I am even awake is not the easiest thing to do. I'm nervous and anxious and just want it to happen. Ideally, it will happen on Monday or Tuesday. I'm supposed to call the day I'm ovulating and they make the appointment for the insemination the next morning. As of this morning, I am not ovulating. On a different note, the test I had last week was fine. It did hurt a bit. Actually, it was an intense pain, but it was over quickly. They said everything looked good. So, I guess now is just a test of my patience, which I have a feeling this whole process will be. Wish me luck, I need it.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

One more test

I have another test to take on Tuesday: a hysterosalpingogram: try saying that 3 times in a row. I am a bit nervous, but my nurse said that I'll just have some cramping afterwards. I'm not so sure that putting dye in your cervix can feel all that great. On the plus side though, there is a chance that it might increase my chances of getting pregnant over the next couple of months and I need all the help I can get! If all goes well, my first insemination should be sometime the week of Thanksgiving... no need to panic right?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


Indecision is the story of my life. In the beginning of this journey, I decided to document everything and share it. When we weren't completely sure when it would happen and I thought I might be jinxing myself if I write about this all the time, I changed my mind. I decided to get rid of the blog until I "officially" began my journey, that is until I decided again that I was being superstitious and irrational and un-deleted this blog. Indecision... Now that it is almost time for my first insemination I have decided to write again, but I'll let you know if I change my mind.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Look what I bought

I bought the first official book for my "baby". We were at an indie bookstore that we love when I spotted this and I just had to have it. Yes, I am going to raise said baby vegetarian/vegan until he or she is old enough to decide for itself. This is a constant debate between C and I. I would never want to force my child to eat anything or to keep them from trying things, so between C and I, hopefully this child will get a balanced take on things. The reason I like this book is that it teaches that meat eaters and vegetarians alike can live together and still respect each others choices. It is a lesson I had to learn on my own since I was 13 and decided to become a vegetarian, and it is an important one that I hope to instill in my child. Plus, Herb the herbivore dragon is pretty cool if I do say so myself.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

This is actually happening

So, I just took my first prenatal vitamin. This small act somehow makes this all too real...
But, look they have vegan ones! They are so big that I have to cut them up in 4 pieces

Thursday, August 27, 2009

So many appointments...

Who knew how complicated it would be to get my hands on some sperm and try and get pregnant! Well, I certainly didn't... We had our first appointment with the Doc this week and she seems very nice and I got a good vibe from her so that's good. She seemed more excited than we were actually. I am amazed at all the tests, etc, that I have to do before we even start the insemination process! The good news is that I am not going to take the Clomid at first because I may not need it and I certainly don't want twins or triplets- that's too scary to even think about. What shocked me is that with each insemination, there is only a 12% chance of getting pregnant. Doesn't that seem low?? The Doc said that on average it takes 4-6 inseminations to work. Let's just keep our fingers crossed that it doesn't take that long- each time it's $200.

Our next stop in this process was a psychologist. We saw her this week also. Both C and I were not impressed with her at all. She was getting very personal-more than I thought she would- and seemed a little judgemental. Apparently we "passed" her test though.

Next up is the geneticist in a couple of weeks and more blood work to see how much estrogen I'm producing- fun! I must admit though, it is now feeling real and I'm getting a little excited.

On a different note- what should I use as my URL for this blog? Any suggestions?

Sunday, July 26, 2009

My clock will not be ignored anymore

It's true- it is now impossible for me to ignore my "biological clock" that everyone speaks of. Maybe I am just at the right age (33!) for it to be constantly nagging at me to reproduce. Whatever the reason, C and I have decided to try and have a baby. This blog is my way of getting all my thoughts and fears out there on my journey to motherhood and maybe share with family and friends. I'm sure this journey won't be easy, but most things worthwhile aren't anyway. The goal is to start trying around November or December. I wish it were a simple feat, but it isn't. We have to have a consultation with the infertility people at the hospital even though as far as I know I'm perfectly capable of getting preggers. I'm assuming we'll get a list of donors and their descriptions, etc. Do you ever wonder how honest some of these guys are though? It reminds me of the Friends episode when they find Joey's profile. Anyway, I think I'm going to have to take Clomid, which scares me a bit. I'll have to research it and see what I find out. So, this is the beginning; let's hope we all enjoy the ride!