I can't believe it

I really can't believe it, but it's true; I'm pregnant! It's very early in the game. My insemination was on December 6th, but 2 home tests and 2 blood tests say I am.  I'm still a little cautious with it being so early, but I'm very excited! The last few days I have been extremely tired which I've been told is normal.  My first ultrasound is on January 7th. I don't even know what else to say. I think I'm still in shock!

*Not* trying not to get my hopes up

IUI #3 should be happening in a couple of weeks.  Everything feels very different this time. I don't feel as stressed or worried.  We are using a different donor and instead of taking Clomid, I'll be taking Femara, which has less side effects I'm told.  Everyone keeps telling me not to get my hopes up, but really that is impossible.  There is no way I can't get my hopes up.  If it doesn't work this time, I will be upset and I will cry.  These things are inevitable.  I think I stress myself out way more trying to stay "neutral".  So, I am done with staying "neutral" and am so excited for this IUI! I feel positive about it.  I also know that if it doesn't work, we can try again.  Cycle Day 1 should be around Thanksgiving.  Third times the charm right?

(via Google images)

I am going to get pregnant dammit!

Next week I go see a new infertility doc. I hope I like him better than the last one, even though he's in the same hospital and the same office.  I've heard nothing but good things about him though. I have so many questions for him.  I got some disturbing news Friday before I left work.  I had them do some blood work (FSH & TSH) for me last week just to see what my FSH was since I haven't had it done in a year and it was free. Turns out my FSH which was 16 last year came back as 21!  Now, for those of you who don't understand what this means, it's very bad.  Anything over 13 isn't good, meaning my ovarian reserve is extremely low. I cried, thinking there is no way I'm going to get pregnant now! But, I'm trying to wait until I talk with the new doc about all of this. I know the number can fluctuate and should be taken on cycle day 3, (it was taken mid-cycle) so I'm hoping that is the reason it was so high.  There are also so many other tests and variables. I wanted to start trying next month, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen.  I am so ready to start again. I feel like I'm in a much different place than before. I am determined to get pregnant dammit! I no longer have a fear of being pregnant either. This is what I want and I'm going to get it...

Saturday morning thoughts (and fears)

I feel like making a list. I love lists; they make me feel organized and together. Here are my thoughts and fears on this beautiful fall morning:

• I'm actually feeling a bit better after being sick for 3 days 
• I'm getting all my "infertility blood work"  done again (for free!)  at work next week.  I'm scared my FSH will be higher than it was last year 
• I'm worried that I won't have a donor in time for either November or December and we can't afford any IUI's at the hospital right now
• I'm very happy for C- he got a new job! I think he will be much happier 
• Lately I've been thinking that I don't want to be a foster parent (and I feel very guilty about it).  If we can't conceive, I really want to adopt and I'm going to look more into this
• I want to put all of the "baby stuff" away. It's getting hard looking at it all. Tomcat might get mad at me though, since he loves to take naps in the crib
• I have a lot to do and no energy to do it- cleaning the house, grocery store, pet store, cleaning the yard... 
• I so want to go to the Farm Sanctuary's Celebration for the Turkeys, but it's $50 a person this year.  We'll have to see...

Well, this list looks more depressing than I thought it would! Sorry about that... I hope everyone has a good weekend! 

I think I've found the one

It's a little early to get too excited, but I am anyway.  I think we have found a donor. If said future donor is reading this, I hope it's okay that I'm blogging about it. I've been wanting to ask him, but didn't think he would be willing to.  It's not an easy decision.  I jokingly asked him yesterday and he seriously said he would! Nothing is set in stone, but I feel a tad hopeful that it will work out.  He's young, adorable, and gay; my three favorite qualities! :) I don't think I want to do this right away though.  I want to get into a little better shape than I'm in now, physically and mentally.  We still need to discuss things with him and get legal papers drawn up.  I want him to be a part of the child's life, if he chooses, but not as a father obviously, but an uncle or something.  Anyway, this is all in theory at the moment, so I'm trying not to get too excited, but I can't help myself! So, I guess "operation baby" is starting. I'll keep you posted!

Funky

Yes, I am in a total funk, which is probably why I haven't posted anything in so long.  I am in a physical, emotional, and spiritual funk.  I'm not exactly sure of the reason but I know that  I have had zero motivation to go the gym or do yoga, and I'm sick and tired of this waiting game to get a baby.  I've been longing to have my own again.  But, between my "team" of doctors, (naturopath, therapist, and nurse practitioner) they have come up with a plan to get me out of said funk.  All three have emphasized how important it is for me to take care of myself because if I don't I won't be able to take care of a baby, whether birthed, fostered, or adopted.  They have said I need to almost treat myself as a baby and nurture myself.  I think we as women don't often do this enough.  I am going to share with all of you people in blog land my goals and "assignments" from my doctors.  Maybe I'll feel more obligated to do them if other people know.  (Well, it won't hurt to try)

Here are my goals:

* Eventually, get off of all my medications (western medications that is)
* Don't feel guilty about using said western medications
* Get some form of aerobic exercise everyday
* Get rid of my biggest stressors ( I already did that with getting my new job!)
* Practice yoga 3-4 times a week for at least 15 minutes
* Meditation or guided relaxation everyday
* Stop and see, smell, and "experience" my food before I eat it
* Take 5 deep full breaths before and after eating and eat slowly
* Stop drinking coffee ( not sure how this one's going to go)

My own personal goals are:
* Start eating a more raw diet
* Cut out the sugar

It looks pretty overwhelming when I write it out like that, but I am bound and determined to get out of this funk and stop feeling sorry for myself! So, I may be sharing some other things going on in my life besides trying to become a mom, because I need to take care of myself before I can do that.

In order for this whole post not to be boring and without pictures, I leave you with pics of my furry babies!

  

Fail #2

I really got my hopes up this time. My period is never late. So, when I didn't start when I should have I got a little excited. Three days after I was supposed to start I called my nurse and she scheduled a blood test for me this past Thursday. I think everyone was convinced that I was really pregnant. (including me) I was even nauseous every morning last week! When I got the phone call Friday morning from the lab and the woman told me it was negative it was like I got punched in the gut. It was a horrible feeling and I couldn't stop crying. I never wished so much to have at least a little privacy at work. I was a complete mess and could barely talk when I called C and then my Mom. I left work early and hope I don't get in too much trouble, but I had to get out of there.

So, here I am 5 days late and no signs that I'm going to start. It makes no sense at all. The woman at the lab said that if I still haven't started by Monday to call my doctors and they might have to induce my period. I have no idea how they do that though. I'm still very sad, but now I'm a little angry. I'm not sure what or who I'm angry at, but I am determined to get pregnant and have a baby! Maybe third time is the charm? I guess I have to wait and start my period first...

I really did it

I think it hit me all of a sudden the other night. I had my first insemination on Tuesday. I was so nervous the day before, I was on the verge of panic attacks all day! The insemination itself was pretty anti-climactic, although for some reason the nurse couldn't find my uterus for some reason and had to try a couple of times before having to get a doctor to do it. It's a little awkward meeting someone and shaking their hand while you're in stirrups waiting for sperm to be injected in you. He was very nice and "found" my uterus. It wasn't painful at all, like I thought it might be. The nurse said that the motility was at 78.5%, which is high for frozen sperm and it had 28.5 million swimmers. She said that was good numbers as well. I knew picking a 19 year old was a good idea!

Now, we wait. I'm trying not to get my hopes up while still trying to be positive, which is extremely difficult. I should know in a couple of weeks if it worked. Odds are that it doesn't work the first time, but I'm trying to stay positive about it. I'm also worried about not being able to try again next month because of not having the money to do it. How can I get $500 in 4 weeks? I guess we'll deal with that if the time comes. For now, I'm just trying to remain calm and upbeat, two traits that are pretty foreign to me, and go with the flow so to speak. I've been talking to the swimmers in hopes of directing them the right way and encouraging them, but I'm not sure it's working. I'll be sure to let everyone know if one of them made it...

Waiting

I'm not known for my patience. I'm supposed to be ovulating between this past Friday and Thanksgiving, so everyday when I get up I have to test to see if I am. Trying to pee correctly on a little stick for exactly 5 seconds before I am even awake is not the easiest thing to do. I'm nervous and anxious and just want it to happen. Ideally, it will happen on Monday or Tuesday. I'm supposed to call the day I'm ovulating and they make the appointment for the insemination the next morning. As of this morning, I am not ovulating. On a different note, the test I had last week was fine. It did hurt a bit. Actually, it was an intense pain, but it was over quickly. They said everything looked good. So, I guess now is just a test of my patience, which I have a feeling this whole process will be. Wish me luck, I need it.

One more test

I have another test to take on Tuesday: a hysterosalpingogram: try saying that 3 times in a row. I am a bit nervous, but my nurse said that I'll just have some cramping afterwards. I'm not so sure that putting dye in your cervix can feel all that great. On the plus side though, there is a chance that it might increase my chances of getting pregnant over the next couple of months and I need all the help I can get! If all goes well, my first insemination should be sometime the week of Thanksgiving... no need to panic right?

Indecision

Indecision is the story of my life. In the beginning of this journey, I decided to document everything and share it. When we weren't completely sure when it would happen and I thought I might be jinxing myself if I write about this all the time, I changed my mind. I decided to get rid of the blog until I "officially" began my journey, that is until I decided again that I was being superstitious and irrational and un-deleted this blog. Indecision... Now that it is almost time for my first insemination I have decided to write again, but I'll let you know if I change my mind.

So many appointments...

Who knew how complicated it would be to get my hands on some sperm and try and get pregnant! Well, I certainly didn't... We had our first appointment with the Doc this week and she seems very nice and I got a good vibe from her so that's good. She seemed more excited than we were actually. I am amazed at all the tests, etc, that I have to do before we even start the insemination process! The good news is that I am not going to take the Clomid at first because I may not need it and I certainly don't want twins or triplets- that's too scary to even think about. What shocked me is that with each insemination, there is only a 12% chance of getting pregnant. Doesn't that seem low?? The Doc said that on average it takes 4-6 inseminations to work. Let's just keep our fingers crossed that it doesn't take that long- each time it's $200.

Our next stop in this process was a psychologist. We saw her this week also. Both C and I were not impressed with her at all. She was getting very personal-more than I thought she would- and seemed a little judgemental. Apparently we "passed" her test though.

Next up is the geneticist in a couple of weeks and more blood work to see how much estrogen I'm producing- fun! I must admit though, it is now feeling real and I'm getting a little excited.

On a different note- what should I use as my URL for this blog? Any suggestions?

My clock will not be ignored anymore

It's true- it is now impossible for me to ignore my "biological clock" that everyone speaks of. Maybe I am just at the right age (33!) for it to be constantly nagging at me to reproduce. Whatever the reason, C and I have decided to try and have a baby. This blog is my way of getting all my thoughts and fears out there on my journey to motherhood and maybe share with family and friends. I'm sure this journey won't be easy, but most things worthwhile aren't anyway. The goal is to start trying around November or December. I wish it were a simple feat, but it isn't. We have to have a consultation with the infertility people at the hospital even though as far as I know I'm perfectly capable of getting preggers. I'm assuming we'll get a list of donors and their descriptions, etc. Do you ever wonder how honest some of these guys are though? It reminds me of the Friends episode when they find Joey's profile. Anyway, I think I'm going to have to take Clomid, which scares me a bit. I'll have to research it and see what I find out. So, this is the beginning; let's hope we all enjoy the ride!