My heart is broken

As of right now it looks like we probably won't get T.  They are putting his case "on hold" for a couple of reasons, one being that he may go back with his original foster family.  We were told this Friday when I called to see if we could go see him Saturday and take him out again. Earlier in the week, we had bought him a Woody doll and book because he is obsessed with Toy Story and we were going to give it to him Saturday.  I guess that's not going to happen now.  I truly hate all of this.  I'm mad and depressed and sad for him.  He needs a permanent home and he still doesn't have one.  All of this just makes me realize how much I want to have my own baby and it's depressing because that just doesn't even seem plausible anymore.  I've always said that I wanted to have a baby or at least be pregnant by the time I'm 35.  35 is quickly catching up to me.  Maybe we should start playing the lottery so we could either try as many inseminations as we want or could adopt outright. What scares me the most is what if I'm just not meant to be a mother at all?  I'm not sure I can handle that.

So, instead of playing with T on Saturday, we went to Barre looking for a Volkswagen for me, unsuccessfully I might add and went into Montpelier to Hunger Mountain Co-op.  I've been wanting to check it out.  I actually liked it better than the co-op we have here.  We decided to have lunch in their cafe and it was very yummy.

I had homemade hummus with lettuce, tomato, onion, cucumber & carrot on gluten-free bread

C had a wrap with herbed artichokes, roasted red peppers, cucumber and lettuce

It's an amazing feeling to be able to order a sandwich somewhere that I can actually eat! I can't tell you how many chain-like restaurants I've been to and the only thing I can eat is some iceberg lettuce with a tomato and couple of onions.  We actually did our shopping there too and spent less than we normally do.   I still would have rather spent the day with T, but overall it wasn't too bad.  I guess the waiting begins all over again. I don't like this.  I don't like it at all...

The Call

We finally got "the call" on Wednesday.  It had me in such a panic that I had to medicate myself to calm down.   Everyone was right- the minute you stop thinking about it and even (in our case) giving up on it is when it happens and it totally catches you off guard.  We ended up not getting him that night, but went to meet him on Saturday.  T (we'll call him this since I can't share his name) is almost 2 years old, has a ridiculous amount of energy and is the cutest little boy I've ever seen. I wish I could post a picture of him.  C and I took him on a "date" to the park.  I chased and played with him all over the park.  I've never felt so old and out of shape! I might not need my gym membership with him around! For all he has been through, which I also cannot share, he seems pretty well adjusted. He is a typical little boy.  He was slowly getting attached to me and wouldn't go to C so much, but the foster mom he is with now said he is like that with her husband too.  On Sunday I went over to see him again, this time by myself.  He definitely remembered me.  We played trains and I watched him act like a lunatic running around. It was fun.  C and I decided that we definitely want him to come stay with us.  I'm scared out of my mind and hope we survive! Oddly enough, I'd be less scared of a newborn baby.  It seems though like with everything else having to do with this whole process we have to wait. I've left several messages with his social worker and the coordinator, but haven't heard back yet.  His foster mom he is with now called me today and basically said the same thing to me. She's been calling and leaving messages and hasn't heard from anyone either.  This is all just driving me crazy! So, like usual, we are sitting here waiting.  Waiting sucks...

Life Without C

It's been a crazy week! C decided to leave me for a whole 7 days and take a bus home to Ohio. Well, he went for a friend's wedding, to see his mom and step-dad, plus he had a ton of vacation to use by the end of this month.  Seeing that I just started my new job, I don't have any time off yet so I am stuck here with all the crazy animals. The night he left I was a mess of course.  I barely slept the first two nights.  So, what have I done with my time?  Well, work has kept me and my mind busy during the day.  I made a list of things I wanted to do and I actually have done most of them.  Here is what I've been doing since C has been gone:
1- Got addicted to Torchwood. Seriously addicted. I watched like 8 episodes in a day and a half
2- Dug up the ginormous weed/stalk thing that was taking over the front of the condo

3- I bought this! Isn't she pretty?

My first smoothie- lots of berries, spinach, and a little rice milk.  It was yummy!

4- I cleaned the hell out of the house; cleaned out the pantry, reorganized some kitchen cabinets

5- I just realized that I actually haven't thought about babies at all until right now- now that is an accomplishment

As much "fun" as I've had all by my lonesome, I can't wait for C to come home on Tuesday! Maybe he was right that absence does make the heart grow fonder...

Raw Food Adventures (and a cryptic hint about potential baby news)

I've started my journey into raw foods this week.  It's one of my goals to better my health.  I do know that there is no way I could be 100% raw, at least I don't think so.  I could not live without chickpeas.  I seriously could not.  I find that I eat quite a bit of raw food anyway in the summer.  Here are a few things I've tried:

Raw granola from Two Moms in the Raw and Blackberry Hint water- I love this stuff!
This was breakfast this morning at my desk

Very yummy apple, spinach and carrot juice- I wish I had a juicer...

I've also been making salads, cucumber salad, and I've discovered I can eat raw dehydrated kale chips, but still can't seem to eat it fresh. Any suggestions? I did have one day that I slipped pretty bad (like pizza and ice cream bad), but they were vegan and gluten free so that's okay right?  I blame it on PMS, plus I felt horrible after I ate it, so I paid for it.  Next, I want to get a blender so I can make all those yummy green smoothies I see on everybody's blogs!

On the baby front: Still no news or calls, but I might have a surprise for everyone.  It's something  that came out of nowhere and could potentially be exciting. That's all I can say though.  :)