Sunday, August 29, 2010

My heart is broken

As of right now it looks like we probably won't get T.  They are putting his case "on hold" for a couple of reasons, one being that he may go back with his original foster family.  We were told this Friday when I called to see if we could go see him Saturday and take him out again. Earlier in the week, we had bought him a Woody doll and book because he is obsessed with Toy Story and we were going to give it to him Saturday.  I guess that's not going to happen now.  I truly hate all of this.  I'm mad and depressed and sad for him.  He needs a permanent home and he still doesn't have one.  All of this just makes me realize how much I want to have my own baby and it's depressing because that just doesn't even seem plausible anymore.  I've always said that I wanted to have a baby or at least be pregnant by the time I'm 35.  35 is quickly catching up to me.  Maybe we should start playing the lottery so we could either try as many inseminations as we want or could adopt outright. What scares me the most is what if I'm just not meant to be a mother at all?  I'm not sure I can handle that.

So, instead of playing with T on Saturday, we went to Barre looking for a Volkswagen for me, unsuccessfully I might add and went into Montpelier to Hunger Mountain Co-op.  I've been wanting to check it out.  I actually liked it better than the co-op we have here.  We decided to have lunch in their cafe and it was very yummy.
I had homemade hummus with lettuce, tomato, onion, cucumber & carrot on gluten-free bread

C had a wrap with herbed artichokes, roasted red peppers, cucumber and lettuce

It's an amazing feeling to be able to order a sandwich somewhere that I can actually eat! I can't tell you how many chain-like restaurants I've been to and the only thing I can eat is some iceberg lettuce with a tomato and couple of onions.  We actually did our shopping there too and spent less than we normally do.   I still would have rather spent the day with T, but overall it wasn't too bad.  I guess the waiting begins all over again. I don't like this.  I don't like it at all...


Kelly said...

I remember feeling like I would never be a mother and it was a terrible pit of despair to find myself in. Just know that regardless of the outcome, you are a good person with a lot of love to share. You will be able to share that love with a child, one way or another.

Foster Parent said...

Wow!! I'm so sorry you had to go through all that!! I'm a current foster parent...let me know if you'd like to chat or how I can support you. I truly feel if you have a desire to help hurting'll get that chance. Praying this journey strengthens you and gives you faith for the perfect placement for your family.