FAIL

I've never been more disappointed to get my period than I was a couple of days ago. So, attempt #1 is a no-go. Now, that I've had some time to process it, I can talk about it. I didn't really expect to react the way I have. I thought that maybe I'd be angry or frustrated, but what I truly feel is just sadness. It feels as if I've lost something I never had which makes me sound completely crazy. I cried a little and thought a lot, and I don't know how many times I can actually go through this loss. I have never felt anything like it.

On a happier note, we are going to try again in January and with the help of drugs, so that will up our chances. It would be a good start to the new year!

I really did it

I think it hit me all of a sudden the other night. I had my first insemination on Tuesday. I was so nervous the day before, I was on the verge of panic attacks all day! The insemination itself was pretty anti-climactic, although for some reason the nurse couldn't find my uterus for some reason and had to try a couple of times before having to get a doctor to do it. It's a little awkward meeting someone and shaking their hand while you're in stirrups waiting for sperm to be injected in you. He was very nice and "found" my uterus. It wasn't painful at all, like I thought it might be. The nurse said that the motility was at 78.5%, which is high for frozen sperm and it had 28.5 million swimmers. She said that was good numbers as well. I knew picking a 19 year old was a good idea!

Now, we wait. I'm trying not to get my hopes up while still trying to be positive, which is extremely difficult. I should know in a couple of weeks if it worked. Odds are that it doesn't work the first time, but I'm trying to stay positive about it. I'm also worried about not being able to try again next month because of not having the money to do it. How can I get $500 in 4 weeks? I guess we'll deal with that if the time comes. For now, I'm just trying to remain calm and upbeat, two traits that are pretty foreign to me, and go with the flow so to speak. I've been talking to the swimmers in hopes of directing them the right way and encouraging them, but I'm not sure it's working. I'll be sure to let everyone know if one of them made it...

Waiting

I'm not known for my patience. I'm supposed to be ovulating between this past Friday and Thanksgiving, so everyday when I get up I have to test to see if I am. Trying to pee correctly on a little stick for exactly 5 seconds before I am even awake is not the easiest thing to do. I'm nervous and anxious and just want it to happen. Ideally, it will happen on Monday or Tuesday. I'm supposed to call the day I'm ovulating and they make the appointment for the insemination the next morning. As of this morning, I am not ovulating. On a different note, the test I had last week was fine. It did hurt a bit. Actually, it was an intense pain, but it was over quickly. They said everything looked good. So, I guess now is just a test of my patience, which I have a feeling this whole process will be. Wish me luck, I need it.

One more test

I have another test to take on Tuesday: a hysterosalpingogram: try saying that 3 times in a row. I am a bit nervous, but my nurse said that I'll just have some cramping afterwards. I'm not so sure that putting dye in your cervix can feel all that great. On the plus side though, there is a chance that it might increase my chances of getting pregnant over the next couple of months and I need all the help I can get! If all goes well, my first insemination should be sometime the week of Thanksgiving... no need to panic right?

Indecision

Indecision is the story of my life. In the beginning of this journey, I decided to document everything and share it. When we weren't completely sure when it would happen and I thought I might be jinxing myself if I write about this all the time, I changed my mind. I decided to get rid of the blog until I "officially" began my journey, that is until I decided again that I was being superstitious and irrational and un-deleted this blog. Indecision... Now that it is almost time for my first insemination I have decided to write again, but I'll let you know if I change my mind.

Look what I bought

I bought the first official book for my "baby". We were at an indie bookstore that we love when I spotted this and I just had to have it. Yes, I am going to raise said baby vegetarian/vegan until he or she is old enough to decide for itself. This is a constant debate between C and I. I would never want to force my child to eat anything or to keep them from trying things, so between C and I, hopefully this child will get a balanced take on things. The reason I like this book is that it teaches that meat eaters and vegetarians alike can live together and still respect each others choices. It is a lesson I had to learn on my own since I was 13 and decided to become a vegetarian, and it is an important one that I hope to instill in my child. Plus, Herb the herbivore dragon is pretty cool if I do say so myself.

This is actually happening

So, I just took my first prenatal vitamin. This small act somehow makes this all too real...

But, look they have vegan ones! They are so big that I have to cut them up in 4 pieces