Saturday morning thoughts (and fears)

I feel like making a list. I love lists; they make me feel organized and together. Here are my thoughts and fears on this beautiful fall morning:

• I'm actually feeling a bit better after being sick for 3 days 
• I'm getting all my "infertility blood work"  done again (for free!)  at work next week.  I'm scared my FSH will be higher than it was last year 
• I'm worried that I won't have a donor in time for either November or December and we can't afford any IUI's at the hospital right now
• I'm very happy for C- he got a new job! I think he will be much happier 
• Lately I've been thinking that I don't want to be a foster parent (and I feel very guilty about it).  If we can't conceive, I really want to adopt and I'm going to look more into this
• I want to put all of the "baby stuff" away. It's getting hard looking at it all. Tomcat might get mad at me though, since he loves to take naps in the crib
• I have a lot to do and no energy to do it- cleaning the house, grocery store, pet store, cleaning the yard... 
• I so want to go to the Farm Sanctuary's Celebration for the Turkeys, but it's $50 a person this year.  We'll have to see...

Well, this list looks more depressing than I thought it would! Sorry about that... I hope everyone has a good weekend! 

Life Without C

It's been a crazy week! C decided to leave me for a whole 7 days and take a bus home to Ohio. Well, he went for a friend's wedding, to see his mom and step-dad, plus he had a ton of vacation to use by the end of this month.  Seeing that I just started my new job, I don't have any time off yet so I am stuck here with all the crazy animals. The night he left I was a mess of course.  I barely slept the first two nights.  So, what have I done with my time?  Well, work has kept me and my mind busy during the day.  I made a list of things I wanted to do and I actually have done most of them.  Here is what I've been doing since C has been gone:
1- Got addicted to Torchwood. Seriously addicted. I watched like 8 episodes in a day and a half
2- Dug up the ginormous weed/stalk thing that was taking over the front of the condo

3- I bought this! Isn't she pretty?

My first smoothie- lots of berries, spinach, and a little rice milk.  It was yummy!

4- I cleaned the hell out of the house; cleaned out the pantry, reorganized some kitchen cabinets

5- I just realized that I actually haven't thought about babies at all until right now- now that is an accomplishment

As much "fun" as I've had all by my lonesome, I can't wait for C to come home on Tuesday! Maybe he was right that absence does make the heart grow fonder...

Funky

Yes, I am in a total funk, which is probably why I haven't posted anything in so long.  I am in a physical, emotional, and spiritual funk.  I'm not exactly sure of the reason but I know that  I have had zero motivation to go the gym or do yoga, and I'm sick and tired of this waiting game to get a baby.  I've been longing to have my own again.  But, between my "team" of doctors, (naturopath, therapist, and nurse practitioner) they have come up with a plan to get me out of said funk.  All three have emphasized how important it is for me to take care of myself because if I don't I won't be able to take care of a baby, whether birthed, fostered, or adopted.  They have said I need to almost treat myself as a baby and nurture myself.  I think we as women don't often do this enough.  I am going to share with all of you people in blog land my goals and "assignments" from my doctors.  Maybe I'll feel more obligated to do them if other people know.  (Well, it won't hurt to try)

Here are my goals:

* Eventually, get off of all my medications (western medications that is)
* Don't feel guilty about using said western medications
* Get some form of aerobic exercise everyday
* Get rid of my biggest stressors ( I already did that with getting my new job!)
* Practice yoga 3-4 times a week for at least 15 minutes
* Meditation or guided relaxation everyday
* Stop and see, smell, and "experience" my food before I eat it
* Take 5 deep full breaths before and after eating and eat slowly
* Stop drinking coffee ( not sure how this one's going to go)

My own personal goals are:
* Start eating a more raw diet
* Cut out the sugar

It looks pretty overwhelming when I write it out like that, but I am bound and determined to get out of this funk and stop feeling sorry for myself! So, I may be sharing some other things going on in my life besides trying to become a mom, because I need to take care of myself before I can do that.

In order for this whole post not to be boring and without pictures, I leave you with pics of my furry babies!

  

Indecision

Indecision is the story of my life. In the beginning of this journey, I decided to document everything and share it. When we weren't completely sure when it would happen and I thought I might be jinxing myself if I write about this all the time, I changed my mind. I decided to get rid of the blog until I "officially" began my journey, that is until I decided again that I was being superstitious and irrational and un-deleted this blog. Indecision... Now that it is almost time for my first insemination I have decided to write again, but I'll let you know if I change my mind.